Thank you, everyone, for your sweet words and wishes. I can’t believe that we’re on the Eve of another potential surgery. I say “potential” because we’re scheduled for a bronchoscopy, which is more of a look-see. But if the doctor sees something minor that he can fix, he’ll do it. The doctor won’t know what he’s dealing with until he performs the procedure, so we’re kind of on pins and needles in that respect.

As such, it’s being treated as a surgery. The document I have in front of me with the details for tomorrow reads across the top: “SURGERY 11/10/15.” The sheet also tells me that Theo can’t eat or drink past midnight. We have to be at the hospital at 8:00 am, and the procedure is scheduled to begin at 9:30 am.

In the photo above, I put that shirt on Theo 5 minutes before I snapped the picture. Can you see how his shirt is covered in drool? Also, you may be able to see the excessive saliva in his mouth. This is more than just teething or other typical baby stuff.

I’m incredibly depressed about the procedure tomorrow, but I’m also thankful that we may finally get to the bottom of this. I’ve been so worried about him. Lately, he’s been waking during the night, coughing on the mucus in his throat.

I’ve been going through the whole “It’s not fair!” cycle, and I’m trying to get out of my own head and just accept it. I stood in front of my bookshelf for a while (I love books and probably have way too many…), trying to find something to read that would pull me out of myself. I found Byron Katie’s Loving What Is and got into bed, prepared to read. What fell out of the book was a printed list of high-risk obstetricians from our insurance company. My husband had written some notes at the top because he was the one who printed the list for me…when I was newly pregnant with Theo. The pregnancy was high-risk because I had a uterus with a “thin window,” as they say, and I needed to be monitored. I guess I turned towards this book when I was worried about my pregnancy.

And now that we made it through that stressful pregnancy, we have a sweet little guy with an adorable laugh. Truly, his laugh is awesome. More of a chuckle, really.

So here’s what Byron Katie says in her book: “If you want reality to be different than it is, you might as well try to teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, ‘Meow.’ Wanting reality to be different than it is is hopeless. You can spend the rest of your life trying to teach a cat to bark.”

I want reality to be different. I don’t want Theo to have this problem or ANY problem. I want many things that aren’t part of reality. And the realization that I have no control over reality is PAINFUL. It actually hurts to sit in certain feelings that belong purely to reality and are not up for manipulation or debate. But I guess I have to accept that I’m not going to teach a cat to bark (although I’m sure I could find something on YouTube…).

Thank you so much for thinking of us. I really appreciate it. And I’ll keep you posted when we know more.  ❤