Charlotte wrote a “How To” story in school. The topic she chose was “How to Help Your Sister.” For her dedication in the beginning, she wrote, “I dedicate this book to Mommy because my Mommy taught me how to help my sister.” She wrote about helping her sister down the stairs, helping her get dressed, and helping her brush her hair.
My first thought was: This is the sweetest thing I have ever seen in the history of the world!
My second thought was: Have I put too much of a burden on Charlotte?
I felt the #1 Mom feeling, which is guilt. Am I not doing this right? My original intent was that I didn’t want Charlotte to feel like she always has to help Emmy because I didn’t want her to resent her sister later in life. (Though someone commented on my blog once that she, as an adult, loves helping her sister with Williams syndrome and that she would do anything for her.)
I just don’t want Charlotte to look back on her life and say, “You know, my mom really screwed things up because she made me help my sister too much, and now I have the following issues…”
But then I thought…
Wait a minute. I helped my own sister! I was always looking out for her. I’m sure my sister felt like she had 3 parents because I was always putting my nose into everything. I remember being in a grocery store with my mom and my sister and, while my mom put in her order at the deli counter, I would chase my sister around the grocery store and call back over my shoulder, “You need to watch her!!” Of course, my mom had an eye on her the whole time, but she found it hilarious that I played the role of guardian (while chastising her for it…).
My sister and I recently found some old videotapes of my 13th birthday party, and we had so much fun laughing at ourselves. The grainy footage showed the party in my house with music blasting. Our living room was crowded with friends and even a boy that I liked. But while I was surrounded by people my own age, I danced with my 7 year old sister for hours. There we were in the middle of the circle–spinning around and laughing. We both commented on it. “Wow, I basically ignored everyone else and spent the party with you!”
Growing up, I included my sister in everything. “This is my little sister!” I would call out to anyone who would listen. I always had a protective arm around her, and I loved doling out advice. When I finally got my driver’s license, we continued to spend all of our free time together–out and about. And when I got to college, I brought my little sister to parties and watched her like a hawk (reminiscent of days in the grocery store as kids).
I don’t remember if I helped her down stairs or if I brushed her hair, like Charlotte does with Emmy. But I know that I’ve helped my sister in other ways–just as she has helped me. It’s always been a give and take. (My little sister has even called a boy on my behalf, to ask him to a dance. I was 15 and she was 9. At the time, my shyness was beyond embarrassing. Now, I can laugh about it.)
With Charlotte and Emmy, I see that give and take. Some of Emmy’s greatest strengths come from her reliable company. If Charlotte needs a hug, Emmy is right there. When Charlotte needs a laugh, Emmy is happy to provide it. When we moved to a new town a few months ago and didn’t know anybody, Emmy stepped into the role of “steadfast companion” to Charlotte. They spent all of their free time together.
The other day, I found one of Emmy’s books in Charlotte’s room. I asked, “Did Emmy leave this here?” and Charlotte responded by filling me in on their morning routine.
Every morning, Emmy wakes up first. She grabs a book from her nightstand and walks over to Charlotte’s room. She knocks softly on the door and enters. Charlotte is still in bed–sometimes sleeping. The two girls don’t say a word. Emmy sits on the floor of Charlotte’s room with her book and leafs through it, waiting for her sister to get out of bed.
I said, “You guys don’t talk at all?”
Charlotte replied, “No. She just likes to be in here with me.”
Their bond is strong. There’s a give and take. For now, I think it’s equal. What role Charlotte will take on in the future remains to be seen. I don’t want her to feel burdened, and I don’t want her to resent her sister. But for everything I’ve done for my sister and for all the times I’ve been there for her, I feel zero burden or resentment. Yes, the circumstances are different. But from what I see in Charlotte and Emmy, that special bond is exactly the same.