I am living in a place of fear right now. I have a friend whose child is in the hospital recovering from heart surgery. My own child is scheduled for heart surgery in a month. My friend, Erin, posted the most heart-wrenching story on her blog, which has just rocked me to my core: http://edivaput.blogspot.com/2013/04/when-it-just-isnt-fair.html
And then of course there is the horrific event coming out of Boston and that sweet boy’s picture on Facebook holding up a “Peace” poster.
I am living in the middle of fear. I must admit that a large part of me feels comfortable in a place of fear. My first reaction to any uncertain circumstance is usually fear, so this emotion feels spot on.
But I am very much aware of the anxiety in my chest, the constant nerves; the guzzling of caffeine which only makes it worse. Recently, I’ve found a new way to address fear which is to eat. I take those Lindor truffles that are only 73 calories each…and I have 10…in an hour. I fantasize about the rosemary fries at Smashburger. I eat slice after slice after slice of cheddar cheese.
Finally, I confided in a wise friend who replied that I was feeding the fear to make it go away.
I hadn’t even realized it. Instead of feeling the fear, I was feeding the fear.
The problem with that (besides the tight pants) is that even though I’m stuffing, I’m still feeling everything under the surface. The emotions are still there, bubbling up. They haven’t gone away.
Now that I realize what I’m doing, I can look at myself objectively.
“Self, why are you doing that?” I ask.
“Self, you know exactly why you’re doing that,” I answer. “You don’t want to feel.”
But, self, it’s natural to feel. It’s completely human to feel afraid and sad and upset and angry. And then it’s beautifully human to feel support and connection and love and generosity. And then it’s entirely human to feel hope and bliss and joy. It’s normal to feel all of it.
I don’t think that living in a place of fear is a good place for me. But I recognize it and look at it objectively and reach out to others and hope that there will be great joy on the other side.